Well, after talking to Prairie Grown on the phone about how I didn't really want to go to a party but also felt the need to establish friendships, I went. ha. I went to the party, but friendships wasn't really what I got out of it. I learned some other lessons.
I biked there, and it was all uphill on the way, which helped me clear my head while I exercised. Or so I thought. On arrival, I realised that I was feeling quite introverted and shy. I mingled breifly but had a hard time feeling connected to anyone there. I said sorry a lot and people kept telling me not to, or saying "get over it, it's okay". I offended some folks, unintentionally, by walking away from them. I was actually scared. true. and strange. I guess I should have listened to my introverted inklings before I went.
I then smoked a joint with some guy outside which I think was laced with something ( I couldn't sleep later at all) and I got super paranoid (great, just the opposite of what I was hoping for). I tried dancing, but felt like I couldn't relax. I felt completely alone in the crowd, but also made myself alone by walking away from people, putting on my blinders, not saying hi, feeling awkward. I left. I was embarrased. Some guys got me to play dice with them outside on my way out. I took all their money. Meanwhile, the entire time my mouth wouldn't stop saying "this is so bizarre" "that's crazy" (repeat) - no way to make friends thats for sure! steal their money and call them crazy. ha. way to go.
The other thing that polarized me was that people kept taking shots at my partner, and he wasn't even there. They said these things to me, expecting me to be okay with it and get the joke. Perhaps they are missing the fact that I'm still with him - for many reasons.
Perhaps I'm too sensitive. I got anxiety, though, that's fair to say.
It took me probably 20 minutes to get all my clothing sorted for the bike ride home. I was stoned and cold and having trouble thinking. I was embarassed by my lengthy exit as I'd hoped to exude grace. In any case, the ride home was, logically, all down hill. It was cold and I had to stop a couple of times to rearrange my clothing situation again and again. But I got going. And I realised some things: A) I went to the party because of the bike ride. What a freeing experience.
B) My partner supports me and wants me to be myself . He wants me to do the things I love, like drumming. I am often full of fear, appologising, not allowing myself to grow from fear of rejection, but he unconditionally supports me in those things. I realised I need to do those things I love, and from that will come confidence, not the other way around.
C) There was some other stuff, but I think I vented all the things I needed to because I can't think of what the other stuff was. I guess, I'll add that it's winter and I'm feeling introverted and I can/should honour that. It's okay to not want to socialize all the time. I'm feeling distanced from the people here, but that's okay. I can let them in by telling them that and going from there.
So, I'm glad I went. I reestablished some connections just by simply seeing people's faces in the crowd. I learned that in the future, I will book the following day off work so I can give myself plenty of time to party and get comfortable with those folks. And I am soooooo glad that I had my bicycle.
ha ha ha.
