If you've got it, use it 'til it's gone.
I want it now, I don't care about later.
Why can't I have more? ______ said I could.
I've got plans/my reasons; don't worry about it.
Doesn't matter; you don't get it.
and upon further denial:
insert choice expletives and try again in half an hour.
(I don't need children, I've got plenty. oh yeah, and this is just a rant)
Sunday
And so...
And so it begins again.
The common and familiar ache of watching
My fellow creatures writhe in their own decided suffering
and oh how I would tell you your choices
Different decisions which could be made
But it's not up to me, nor is it my life
So I watch and sometimes cry
while you stumble in and out the door
waiting on the otherside for something more
Definitive not
Assumptive, nope
Courageous, you are
Hopeful is my heart.
The common and familiar ache of watching
My fellow creatures writhe in their own decided suffering
and oh how I would tell you your choices
Different decisions which could be made
But it's not up to me, nor is it my life
So I watch and sometimes cry
while you stumble in and out the door
waiting on the otherside for something more
Definitive not
Assumptive, nope
Courageous, you are
Hopeful is my heart.
For love of Longboarding
So... Sunday night. Took off this evening after dinner in a flurry of excitement. Going out to drink beer and ride the longboard I have neglected all summer - although I have to say that fall is by far the best season for bombing hills. Way less cars around at night, cool temperatures, the leaves falling, the beautiful views.... I dunno, it just fits somehow.
I grabbed my board and drove to the end of Gordon Dr, which I may have to say is MY best kept secret about Kelowna. It's new development so very few people live there, brand new pavement, a little gravel from the construction, but nothing unavoidable....and a fantastic view of the town (which I will deny city status just because) lights at night.
I started out just getting my bearings (trucks a little tighter than maybe they should be - wide turns, gravel spits, but....) oh yeah, the wind in my eyes, on my cheeks, chapping my lips! Hell ya! I forgot all about how good this feels! A few more runs down a rather calm street, practise a few shuck stops and I'm on my way up. Around every turn I'm screaming and talking to myself in excitement "Can you believe this, Man?!?!". It goes up and up and up, and then up some more, around sexy corners and left and right just enough , sometimes splitting up, to control speed. I'm stoked. I'm going faster than I've gone in a long long time and it feels so incredible. I wish everyone could have this kind of feeling/adrenaline rush/ passion in their lives.
Fuck ya. Move elsewhere and I find this beautiful creekside path. insanely steep, cross-sectioned by a ...SPEED BUMP? WHO THE HELL ALLOWED THE NO FUN POLICE?!?!?! but whatever, skip passed that and you've got a cedar lined pathway along a creek, in the shadows of a cliff where the stars shine brighter (for once) than the house lights. thank god. exhale. yeah. awesome.
In the end...Two thumbs and two big toes up for longboarding by myself by darkness and streetlight. Few things are better.
oh yeah, and these girls are my new heros...
I grabbed my board and drove to the end of Gordon Dr, which I may have to say is MY best kept secret about Kelowna. It's new development so very few people live there, brand new pavement, a little gravel from the construction, but nothing unavoidable....and a fantastic view of the town (which I will deny city status just because) lights at night.
I started out just getting my bearings (trucks a little tighter than maybe they should be - wide turns, gravel spits, but....) oh yeah, the wind in my eyes, on my cheeks, chapping my lips! Hell ya! I forgot all about how good this feels! A few more runs down a rather calm street, practise a few shuck stops and I'm on my way up. Around every turn I'm screaming and talking to myself in excitement "Can you believe this, Man?!?!". It goes up and up and up, and then up some more, around sexy corners and left and right just enough , sometimes splitting up, to control speed. I'm stoked. I'm going faster than I've gone in a long long time and it feels so incredible. I wish everyone could have this kind of feeling/adrenaline rush/ passion in their lives.
Fuck ya. Move elsewhere and I find this beautiful creekside path. insanely steep, cross-sectioned by a ...SPEED BUMP? WHO THE HELL ALLOWED THE NO FUN POLICE?!?!?! but whatever, skip passed that and you've got a cedar lined pathway along a creek, in the shadows of a cliff where the stars shine brighter (for once) than the house lights. thank god. exhale. yeah. awesome.
In the end...Two thumbs and two big toes up for longboarding by myself by darkness and streetlight. Few things are better.
oh yeah, and these girls are my new heros...
Art Show!
Got a surprise from Stacey at Tweaked and Yummy (http://www.tweakedandyummy.com/)! She's put my art on display for the month of November! (I have an art show?!?!)
I am extremely grateful.
Here's a link to my other blog
http://maitacasart.blogspot.com/
* ha, not my photo!
I am extremely grateful.
Here's a link to my other blog
http://maitacasart.blogspot.com/
* ha, not my photo!
Saturday
spiritual and single?
sometimes if feels like the only way to do it
or is it?
It's something I am aware of: I have a hard time feeling that I am living for me and for my spirit when I share the energy waves with a lover. However, when I'm with friends my sense of self is not compromised to the same extent. So why is it that being with a lover makes me feel that my sense of identity is being lost? Am I giving all my energy away? I wonder if there is some semi-conscious belief that I hold which suggests that in a partnership I must "sacrifice" myself to make it work? ugh, it's all so anti-feminist to think about - but perhaps I am a victim of my own stigmatizing!
To try and find balance, here are some contemplations:
Times we are great together:
- playing outside
- joking around
- hanging out without attachment to time
- supporting each other in times of grief or sadness
Times we are not as great together (not as supportive or struggling):
- being around friends
- before/after he has work
- when I return from being away on my own
Usually the latter are due, on my part, to trying to balance "inspiration vs obligation". When I feel I need to be social, it is often a pull in the opposite direction from him. When I have some time to work on me, I later find it difficult to adjust back into being "with someone" and there is often what feels like a power struggle.
This is not new for me. I had a boyfriend once who said while I broke up with him for similar reasons, "I don't think you'll ever find "the one"". I felt insulted, but now I'm going to entertain that thought for a second: "the one"....to me it's not about that. It's about sharing your experiences with someone and being together, supporting each other to grow, as separate energic beings. I often just feel stifled in relationships. My trouble is that I'm not sure if it's all in my head or if I'm actually being held back in some way shape or form. How can I be independent AND in a partnership? Is it possible to maintain a sense of identity and not compromise your sense of self? I feel that often compromises of many sorts are important when in relationships. But I fear that resentment is right around the corner.
Okay, enough relational ranting. I didn't invent this blog to get relationship therapy. Let's just say these are my thoughts and contemplations for the day - and, yeah, of course I love hearing others' thoughts on these matters.
or is it?
It's something I am aware of: I have a hard time feeling that I am living for me and for my spirit when I share the energy waves with a lover. However, when I'm with friends my sense of self is not compromised to the same extent. So why is it that being with a lover makes me feel that my sense of identity is being lost? Am I giving all my energy away? I wonder if there is some semi-conscious belief that I hold which suggests that in a partnership I must "sacrifice" myself to make it work? ugh, it's all so anti-feminist to think about - but perhaps I am a victim of my own stigmatizing!
To try and find balance, here are some contemplations:
Times we are great together:
- playing outside
- joking around
- hanging out without attachment to time
- supporting each other in times of grief or sadness
Times we are not as great together (not as supportive or struggling):
- being around friends
- before/after he has work
- when I return from being away on my own
Usually the latter are due, on my part, to trying to balance "inspiration vs obligation". When I feel I need to be social, it is often a pull in the opposite direction from him. When I have some time to work on me, I later find it difficult to adjust back into being "with someone" and there is often what feels like a power struggle.
This is not new for me. I had a boyfriend once who said while I broke up with him for similar reasons, "I don't think you'll ever find "the one"". I felt insulted, but now I'm going to entertain that thought for a second: "the one"....to me it's not about that. It's about sharing your experiences with someone and being together, supporting each other to grow, as separate energic beings. I often just feel stifled in relationships. My trouble is that I'm not sure if it's all in my head or if I'm actually being held back in some way shape or form. How can I be independent AND in a partnership? Is it possible to maintain a sense of identity and not compromise your sense of self? I feel that often compromises of many sorts are important when in relationships. But I fear that resentment is right around the corner.
Okay, enough relational ranting. I didn't invent this blog to get relationship therapy. Let's just say these are my thoughts and contemplations for the day - and, yeah, of course I love hearing others' thoughts on these matters.
i did something different yesterday, and now I feel great. I quit my job. Its different because I thought I needed to stay there. I kept telling customers that I was staying. Kept telling myself that I "still need a job". But yesterday I had my limit of crap. Co-workers bitching all day about how she appeared like a psycho last night to her new love interest but also pissed off her ex-boyfriend - oh none of them actually talked to each other, they just texted all night (um...you're all crazy). And I realised that I have a really hard time connecting to someone who bases the success of their relationships on little short hand notes sent electronically. I realized that I had been thrown into someone else's tribe and I need to get home.
That was just part of it, of course, but it was the part that threw me over the edge and made me realize I needed to do something different.
Upon handing in the letter, I felt like the bubble I had been living in had popped; the gas mask I had been breathing through was removed and I could actually breathebreathe exhale again. it was beautiful.
With some success in my art and some options on the table, I feel better equipped than ever before to just do something different. I'm hopeful and feeling the connection to my feet oh so nicely. yay!
That was just part of it, of course, but it was the part that threw me over the edge and made me realize I needed to do something different.
Upon handing in the letter, I felt like the bubble I had been living in had popped; the gas mask I had been breathing through was removed and I could actually breathebreathe exhale again. it was beautiful.
With some success in my art and some options on the table, I feel better equipped than ever before to just do something different. I'm hopeful and feeling the connection to my feet oh so nicely. yay!
Wednesday
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