Into change I keep going deeper, somehow. Not like change is an ocean to be dove into. But it's affects cause me to stir within myself what I never predicted. Such is change; without and within.
I dreamed the other night that I saw a Grizzly bear.

I dreamt of leaving you when my own fear and saddness had felt unrecognisable and was interpretted as yours. The spirit gives me a warm hug and guides me. I got frustrated with myself for not feeling like I was really meditating. (smile) oh ego ego ego....you need such coddling! I dont' need to have kids - I am my own kid.

OK
While I pretend to try to find balance, I blame you for my lack there of, saying to myself that you take up all my time, where in reality, I do not work on my own time requirements enough to know that I CAN do it all if I choose, or that if I CAN'T that I should say something, but legitimately, not just because I don't want to do it. and if I need to ask for time to figure out if I can or not, then that is what I need to ask for time for. This is all without question, right and holy. While time does not wait for us all, I can not rely on it to wash away all my saddness all the time. I need to work on it myself. It feels fool proof to rely on external things, but those too will come to an end and my spirit will still need to know it has grown.