Post hieros gamos.../ "and yet"

1. Woman as the Temptress
   At one level, this step is about those temptations that may lead the hero to abandon or stray from his or her quest, which as with the Meeting with the Goddess does not necessarily have to be represented by a woman. For Campbell, however, this step is about the revulsion that the usually male hero may feel about his own fleshy/earthy nature, and the subsequent attachment or projection of that revulsion to women. Woman is a metaphor for the physical or material temptations of life, since the hero-knight was often tempted by lust from his spiritual journey.
2. Atonement with the Father
   In this step the person must confront and be initiated by whatever holds the ultimate power in his or her life. In many myths and stories this is the father, or a father figure who has life and death power. This is the center point of the journey. All the previous steps have been moving in to this place, all that follow will move out from it. Although this step is most frequently symbolized by an encounter with a male entity, it does not have to be a male; just someone or thing with incredible power. For the transformation to take place, the person as he or she has been must be "killed" so that the new self can come into being. Sometime this killing is literal, and the earthly journey for that character is either over or moves into a different realm.
3. Apotheosis
   To apotheosize is to deify. When someone dies a physical death, or dies to the self to live in spirit, he or she moves beyond the pairs of opposites to a state of divine knowledge, love, compassion and bliss. This is a god-like state; the person is in heaven and beyond all strife. A more mundane way of looking at this step is that it is a period of rest, peace and fulfillment before the hero begins the return.

And perhaps I am no where near (here) yet
ne'er know wear
I have not worn
....and yet...
I am afraid of progress and I am afraid of losing progress.
Caught in a swirling pool of
flashing fears memories changes I have made that I'm still not sure were a good idea;
revolt
revolting surges in my gut
make me want to puke up all the emotions
I can muster,
is it everything I have swallowed in the past or is this self indulgence?

where does my intuition kick in and give me the answer?
where does this all encompassing dread end?
a fear that I have not lived,
that I am living,
not living enough,
doing too much,
not enough,
having no impact,
making the wrong impact,

exactly where I am supposed to be
no longer sitting in this unrest with patience.
and oh how I would take action
(more than thrash wildly - hold back the water, catch it in a cup and throw it to the sky
at what)
could I think of what purposeful action to take ...
I am beyond running in circles (on purpose anyway),
my mind is continuing to run the gammet in the mean time.