Do you remember how to have fun?

Do you remember how to laugh and giggle and be silly with your friends? with yourself? with your spirit? In those moments, there is never any judgement, no embarrasment, no question of belonging or making an ass out of oneself. NO! It's just purity.

Allow yourself these moments and you will allow others to be vulnerable and have fun too! (Deny yourself and you deny everyone around you that honesty.) Have some fun and go play! (Do I seriously need to convince you?)

The Four Agreements

Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

All Tomorrow's Parties

Well, after talking to Prairie Grown on the phone about how I didn't really want to go to a party but also felt the need to establish friendships, I went. ha. I went to the party, but friendships wasn't really what I got out of it. I learned some other lessons.

I biked there, and it was all uphill on the way, which helped me clear my head while I exercised. Or so I thought. On arrival, I realised that I was feeling quite introverted and shy. I mingled breifly but had a hard time feeling connected to anyone there. I said sorry a lot and people kept telling me not to, or saying "get over it, it's okay". I offended some folks, unintentionally, by walking away from them. I was actually scared. true. and strange. I guess I should have listened to my introverted inklings before I went.
I then smoked a joint with some guy outside which I think was laced with something ( I couldn't sleep later at all) and I got super paranoid (great, just the opposite of what I was hoping for). I tried dancing, but felt like I couldn't relax. I felt completely alone in the crowd, but also made myself alone by walking away from people, putting on my blinders, not saying hi, feeling awkward. I left. I was embarrased. Some guys got me to play dice with them outside on my way out. I took all their money. Meanwhile, the entire time my mouth wouldn't stop saying "this is so bizarre" "that's crazy" (repeat) - no way to make friends thats for sure! steal their money and call them crazy. ha. way to go.
The other thing that polarized me was that people kept taking shots at my partner, and he wasn't even there. They said these things to me, expecting me to be okay with it and get the joke. Perhaps they are missing the fact that I'm still with him - for many reasons.
Perhaps I'm too sensitive. I got anxiety, though, that's fair to say.

It took me probably 20 minutes to get all my clothing sorted for the bike ride home. I was stoned and cold and having trouble thinking. I was embarassed by my lengthy exit as I'd hoped to exude grace. In any case, the ride home was, logically, all down hill. It was cold and I had to stop a couple of times to rearrange my clothing situation again and again. But I got going. And I realised some things: A) I went to the party because of the bike ride. What a freeing experience.
B) My partner supports me and wants me to be myself . He wants me to do the things I love, like drumming. I am often full of fear, appologising, not allowing myself to grow from fear of rejection, but he unconditionally supports me in those things. I realised I need to do those things I love, and from that will come confidence, not the other way around.
C) There was some other stuff, but I think I vented all the things I needed to because I can't think of what the other stuff was. I guess, I'll add that it's winter and I'm feeling introverted and I can/should honour that. It's okay to not want to socialize all the time. I'm feeling distanced from the people here, but that's okay. I can let them in by telling them that and going from there.

So, I'm glad I went. I reestablished some connections just by simply seeing people's faces in the crowd. I learned that in the future, I will book the following day off work so I can give myself plenty of time to party and get comfortable with those folks. And I am soooooo glad that I had my bicycle.
ha ha ha.

Shift from Judgement to Curiosity

What is it that helps one develop their sense of belonging?
Non judgement.
But truly, how rare is it that complete strangers will accept me unconditionally?
True friends dedicate themselves in this way. But strangers seem to scrutinize more on most occasions, perhaps simply because they don't want to invest their heart where it might get hurt.

To past posts

Not long ago, I published, then deleted, a rant about the desire to be single when focusing on spirituality. When seeking one's path, I still find that space needs to be given to the individual in order to find connection to the WHOLE. But, in my readings, I have stumbled across something new/ancient, which challenges this perspective. Given the vibe of the blog, I felt the need to post an excerpt:

...He acknowledges an archetypal aspect of this path. It is not taken alone; there is always the 'other' - master, disciple, pupil, sister, wife, friend, beloved - who is the silent partner, who represents the human love and care, who carries the other side, gives encouragement by believing, and is the mortal twin of the immortal urge...

...this dependent relation to the Mother archetype is inevitable. ...Only in the West is this attitude questionable, for we tend to view negatively the relm of the Mother and to call that inevitable dependency upon the material limits in which we are set a 'complex'. We in the West are often too quick to condemn the 'Mother' thereby cutting ourselves off from our own ground.

(James Hillman, Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man Commentary pp. 238; Shambala Publications Inc, 1970.)