Am red.

I remember a kinnie star album on which one of the songs started with a message left on her answering machine: I'm bleeding...I'm bleeding!
It wasn't someone calling from the ER,
it was a woman rejoicing.
It also didn't seem like rejoice due to a "natural monthly pregnancy test".
I don't think it was because she took the day off work, or because she felt "inadequate", "unsanitary", or "normal but a curse".

Rejoice.
sacred rejoice; humanist rejoice; anthropological rejoice; modern rejoice; feminist rejoice; anti-feminist rejoice;
But rejoice regardless

Not unclean, incapable, weak, a lesser species,

Normal, unique, honourable
and my blood does not change colour with my mood. I am red.

Moola Mantra

Om
Sat Chit Ananda Parabrahma
Purushothama Paramatma
Sri Baghavathi Sametha
Sri Baghavathi Namaha
Om

Into change I keep going deeper, somehow. Not like change is an ocean to be dove into. But it's affects cause me to stir within myself what I never predicted. Such is change; without and within.
I dreamed the other night that I saw a Grizzly bear.

I dreamt of leaving you when my own fear and saddness had felt unrecognisable and was interpretted as yours. The spirit gives me a warm hug and guides me. I got frustrated with myself for not feeling like I was really meditating. (smile) oh ego ego ego....you need such coddling! I dont' need to have kids - I am my own kid.

OK
While I pretend to try to find balance, I blame you for my lack there of, saying to myself that you take up all my time, where in reality, I do not work on my own time requirements enough to know that I CAN do it all if I choose, or that if I CAN'T that I should say something, but legitimately, not just because I don't want to do it. and if I need to ask for time to figure out if I can or not, then that is what I need to ask for time for. This is all without question, right and holy. While time does not wait for us all, I can not rely on it to wash away all my saddness all the time. I need to work on it myself. It feels fool proof to rely on external things, but those too will come to an end and my spirit will still need to know it has grown.

A friend of mine

I saw a friend of mine the other day and she looked like me, how I looked, 2 years ago. I knew her well.
She looked rushed and introverted, networking her way around a room making me think she was only there for her own purposes. Aren't we all? well....maybe. She was present, maybe just better at multitasking, but she reminded me of me, a few years ago. Too busy to truly feel present in my surroundings. I networked and mingled, I blurted out energy at people, instead of sharing the energy with them. Seeing her made me realise what changes I have been through, in that I don't want to do that to my friends anymore. I don't want to make their lives as frantic as my own. I don't want to make them feel unimportant, or that they have to tag along while I do my thing. I want to honour each and every person I spend time with and I want to Spend Time with them. I want to do things together. I want to be free enough to dedicate an hour or four to their cause, and in that I will be honouring my new desire for friendship and family.
well...maybe we are all just working towards our own means, but I guess I just feel like I can see the benefits of that busy life and I choose to retire. I want to let people know I love them in a different way. It's hard to acknowledge that I now have a hard time spending time with this friend.
I'll just throw this thought out there as well...I feel like maybe she's pimping herself in a way - because I can see in her how I used to hide my insecurities in faux confidence that showed itself in conflicted consumerism. Morals and verbal ethics tied up in still trying to be a pretty woman. hmmm....I am glad I am letting go, but it is hard to learn the lessons closest to home.