Where is the glow that used to be me?

well here's a bloody update!

walked into work to find my job posted. Have to reapply for the job I already have. even if I don't get it, I won't leave until June or July. Up against a wall.
Another job I want, deadline past for applicants.
I applied anyway.
Criticized exceptionally for my playing. I now know my playing is not the issue - I play well with others. Just not those who play different games.
Then kicked out (of the band). Then told that if I'm aware of myself I might be welcomed back. and if it doesn't work out "it's no big deal".
stomach cramps
criticized by the youth I work with. Not able to connect. No reply from my boss for 2 weeks. Finally meeting with her tomorrow and scared as shit.
though I'm strangely open-eared now, as opposed to critical.
don't like my home and no money to move
making more than I ever have and broke as a branch.
the barriers are coming down.

Som eon e el s e

This isn't a breakup. feels like it.
kicked out of the band. maybe. that's never happened before.
but maybe that's okay. just not jiving. feels like a fist (first). not deniable.

I will play with you - but only
if it's

Inspiration not

obligation

What is it
for me?
This time around, I feel different
less accepted
exceptional only in exception
is it you or is it me
who places the line where it seems to be?
I feel it's me, since I'm the one who may need
to let go and sink
sink sink.

And how to accept the self
without criticism.
let go of what you might think.

Youth and Ease

A moment brought to you by astrology.

"In many ways, life can be almost too easy for those born in this week...and some may neglect their potential for higher development simply because they can be rather lazy about practical matters and unwilling to focus their talents in the interest of tangible achievement. Gifted with a strong ability to inspire others and to make themselves beloved by those around them, they can easily leave the more tedious details to others and content themselves with a superficial level of happiness and success....If they can only apply themselves to the discipline, training, and craftsmanship necessary to give form to their inspiration, the rest will fall into place as they make their way along this road.
Challenges: kick starting themselves
Fulfillment: Experiencing the satisfaction of hanging in there for the long haul."

There is an incredible amount that I can read into this - And truth to it as well, I think. Life sometimes is so easy I shake my head. But the reality is that I ditch situations too soon. I fear failure. I fear success. I fear criticism and I'm never sure when to take it or leave it. (usually I leave it and I think I should probably take it most of the time)

Today I play a show with the band I've been with. The last few practices have been hell.
Every song warranted some kind of comment or criticism about what the drummer (me) was doing wrong. I began to wonder about playing with this band at all. I think about playing with kelsey and how hard that was sometimes. It was hard because I knew I needed to push myself because he wasn't going to. With this band, it's both me pushing and others. I have a hard time with the latter, but perhaps I need it as well. After 6 years with Kels, I listen now to how far we came and it becomes obvious that there is truth in the statements above.
The people in this band are sickly talented. Allan reminds me that I, too, belong in that category (or else I wouldn't be in the band), despite my frustrations. My ability to take criticism and use it, or turn it on myself, is entirely dependant on me. Only I can allow it to bother me. An investment in the long term with this band may actually mean saying something to let them know the timing of the criticism is bad and I need it differently if I'm expected to learn from it.

"...Still, they have strong virtuoso talents and remarkable gifts that will beg for expression..."