spiritual and single?

sometimes if feels like the only way to do it
or is it?

It's something I am aware of: I have a hard time feeling that I am living for me and for my spirit when I share the energy waves with a lover. However, when I'm with friends my sense of self is not compromised to the same extent. So why is it that being with a lover makes me feel that my sense of identity is being lost? Am I giving all my energy away? I wonder if there is some semi-conscious belief that I hold which suggests that in a partnership I must "sacrifice" myself to make it work? ugh, it's all so anti-feminist to think about - but perhaps I am a victim of my own stigmatizing!

To try and find balance, here are some contemplations:
Times we are great together:
- playing outside
- joking around
- hanging out without attachment to time
- supporting each other in times of grief or sadness

Times we are not as great together (not as supportive or struggling):
- being around friends
- before/after he has work
- when I return from being away on my own

Usually the latter are due, on my part, to trying to balance "inspiration vs obligation". When I feel I need to be social, it is often a pull in the opposite direction from him. When I have some time to work on me, I later find it difficult to adjust back into being "with someone" and there is often what feels like a power struggle.
This is not new for me. I had a boyfriend once who said while I broke up with him for similar reasons, "I don't think you'll ever find "the one"". I felt insulted, but now I'm going to entertain that thought for a second: "the one"....to me it's not about that. It's about sharing your experiences with someone and being together, supporting each other to grow, as separate energic beings. I often just feel stifled in relationships. My trouble is that I'm not sure if it's all in my head or if I'm actually being held back in some way shape or form. How can I be independent AND in a partnership? Is it possible to maintain a sense of identity and not compromise your sense of self? I feel that often compromises of many sorts are important when in relationships. But I fear that resentment is right around the corner.

Okay, enough relational ranting. I didn't invent this blog to get relationship therapy. Let's just say these are my thoughts and contemplations for the day - and, yeah, of course I love hearing others' thoughts on these matters.

i did something different yesterday, and now I feel great. I quit my job. Its different because I thought I needed to stay there. I kept telling customers that I was staying. Kept telling myself that I "still need a job". But yesterday I had my limit of crap. Co-workers bitching all day about how she appeared like a psycho last night to her new love interest but also pissed off her ex-boyfriend - oh none of them actually talked to each other, they just texted all night (um...you're all crazy). And I realised that I have a really hard time connecting to someone who bases the success of their relationships on little short hand notes sent electronically. I realized that I had been thrown into someone else's tribe and I need to get home.
That was just part of it, of course, but it was the part that threw me over the edge and made me realize I needed to do something different.
Upon handing in the letter, I felt like the bubble I had been living in had popped; the gas mask I had been breathing through was removed and I could actually breathebreathe exhale again. it was beautiful.
With some success in my art and some options on the table, I feel better equipped than ever before to just do something different. I'm hopeful and feeling the connection to my feet oh so nicely. yay!

Mark Jenkins is my new hero

Seven Sacred Truths

seven chakras, seven Christian sacraments, seven segments of the Tree of Life, seven sacred laws of the Anishnaabe, Seven Sacred Truths.

Respect --- All is One
Honesty --- Honour one another
Truth --- Honour Oneself
Love --- Love is Divine Power
Courage --- Surrender personal will to Divine Will
Wisdom --- Seek only the Truth
Humility --- Live in the Present moment

The more I read about all these things, the more similarities I see and it is grounding. I tread lightly and respectfully when I know the whole is affected by my movements. It is an honour to be honest when I can see how you feel honoured by it. It is truth that we all seek, and in the silence of looking inward, I hear truth within myself. Love. I seek to have Courage to let go, surrender, confess, cleanse myself of negativity and accept me/all ("Cleansing the spirit is the most essential step in the healing process."; "We are not designed to be critical of others or ourselves..."). It is through seeking the truth that wisdom can grow.
With acceptance, wisdom, understanding of my connection to others and the greater whole, I am humbled. When I am humbled, I want to listen, quiet my inner noise, and just be in the present. That is when all my truths are aligned.

Peace.