Hyena vs. Maitaca

2011-04-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

varied vibrations
give colour and let me see
all the airwaves that are taken
I will create one to call my own
solace between the lines and space

have the scientists yet created
selective hearing
above avoidant speaking?
I want to dominate the space between
numbered stations and surveillance

lets create new notes new sounds new space
new air for our ears to breathe
no eyes no sticky fingers no need
just listen
just quiet
just

Am red.

2010-12-14T07:57:00.001-08:00

I remember a kinnie star album on which one of the songs started with a message left on her answering machine: I'm bleeding...I'm bleeding!
It wasn't someone calling from the ER,
it was a woman rejoicing.
It also didn't seem like rejoice due to a "natural monthly pregnancy test".
I don't think it was because she took the day off work, or because she felt "inadequate", "unsanitary", or "normal but a curse".

Rejoice.
sacred rejoice; humanist rejoice; anthropological rejoice; modern rejoice; feminist rejoice; anti-feminist rejoice;
But rejoice regardless

Not unclean, incapable, weak, a lesser species,

Normal, unique, honourable
and my blood does not change colour with my mood. I am red.

Moola Mantra

2010-12-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

Om
Sat Chit Ananda Parabrahma
Purushothama Paramatma
Sri Baghavathi Sametha
Sri Baghavathi Namaha
Om

2010-12-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

Into change I keep going deeper, somehow. Not like change is an ocean to be dove into. But it's affects cause me to stir within myself what I never predicted. Such is change; without and within.
I dreamed the other night that I saw a Grizzly bear.

I dreamt of leaving you when my own fear and saddness had felt unrecognisable and was interpretted as yours. The spirit gives me a warm hug and guides me. I got frustrated with myself for not feeling like I was really meditating. (smile) oh ego ego ego....you need such coddling! I dont' need to have kids - I am my own kid.

OK
While I pretend to try to find balance, I blame you for my lack there of, saying to myself that you take up all my time, where in reality, I do not work on my own time requirements enough to know that I CAN do it all if I choose, or that if I CAN'T that I should say something, but legitimately, not just because I don't want to do it. and if I need to ask for time to figure out if I can or not, then that is what I need to ask for time for. This is all without question, right and holy. While time does not wait for us all, I can not rely on it to wash away all my saddness all the time. I need to work on it myself. It feels fool proof to rely on external things, but those too will come to an end and my spirit will still need to know it has grown.

A friend of mine

2010-12-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

I saw a friend of mine the other day and she looked like me, how I looked, 2 years ago. I knew her well.
She looked rushed and introverted, networking her way around a room making me think she was only there for her own purposes. Aren't we all? well....maybe. She was present, maybe just better at multitasking, but she reminded me of me, a few years ago. Too busy to truly feel present in my surroundings. I networked and mingled, I blurted out energy at people, instead of sharing the energy with them. Seeing her made me realise what changes I have been through, in that I don't want to do that to my friends anymore. I don't want to make their lives as frantic as my own. I don't want to make them feel unimportant, or that they have to tag along while I do my thing. I want to honour each and every person I spend time with and I want to Spend Time with them. I want to do things together. I want to be free enough to dedicate an hour or four to their cause, and in that I will be honouring my new desire for friendship and family.
well...maybe we are all just working towards our own means, but I guess I just feel like I can see the benefits of that busy life and I choose to retire. I want to let people know I love them in a different way. It's hard to acknowledge that I now have a hard time spending time with this friend.
I'll just throw this thought out there as well...I feel like maybe she's pimping herself in a way - because I can see in her how I used to hide my insecurities in faux confidence that showed itself in conflicted consumerism. Morals and verbal ethics tied up in still trying to be a pretty woman. hmmm....I am glad I am letting go, but it is hard to learn the lessons closest to home.

A love song for Vanessa - from yet another fan

2010-10-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

So friend,
You're the most consistent woman of my life -
(well, you know, not including my mom)
you are consistencies
idiosyncracies, exist
somehow you defy time

we change daily
I've seen you come and go
in and out your nose
(you made me a gift once)
jobs you have
people you've provoked
t'ward kindness
me too

We change hourly
Now I'm here
Soon you're not
And above all this I hear
"Cajole me" and all i feel is you
Your smell
Your smile
Your movements
The body you so comfortably dance within
Its all you
And I miss you
(yes, already).

So, my sister and chosen family,
I'm not going far
I could never
I remember now
the sweetness that is you
and I will savour it
Until next time.

a message from God

2010-10-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

don't do it alone babe,
you don't have to
you've got your friends
don't forget about them
and you've got a fam
not everyone can say that
so don't do it alone
and don't forget
you've got something to do
somewhere you've gotta be
you've gotta run
but you're on your knees

Get up and quit the wait.

mosaic

2010-10-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

I am going to learn to make stained glass and mosaics. this is my goal.

Return to Acceptance

2010-10-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Accepting the call. Back to the journey we return. Many snags along the way but really, just opportunities to learn and prepare for the remainder of the adventure.
so here we set off.

pro-etry?

2010-10-05T22:59:00.001-07:00

So, a reflection on life doesn't yield much, unless you're willing to look at the little things, all the small stuff you sweated about and now think nothing of. a reflection of me yields something different every time, depending on when I last looked and what mood I'm in.
so , a world we see is basically a reflection of ourselves, inadequacies, gifts and faults.
I told you to play baseball
you told me to get fucked.

dreamspeak

2010-10-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

I dreamt last night that I was asked where I lived and I actually didn't know. I kept trying to say places that weren't kelowna, and I couldn't for the life of me think of Kelowna. I finally spit it out upon waking up, even then it took me some time to remember.
the next dream, I stood at a corner of 2 streets where there was a sign resembling a highway sign. One street pointed to the trans canada. The other pointed to something else. Something red maybe? The street pointing to the Trans canada was called October 9. the other one was called October 12.

just a bit of rage

2010-09-28T12:42:00.000-07:00

I am afraid of what I have become. Theres an anger in me and she yells, gives people the finger and tells them to fuck off. I guess without a outlet I am merely a punk. ha ha ha ha ha

going going going....explode!

2010-09-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

now what.
Every time I leave the bank I want to puke. Okay, actually only when I have spoken to financial advisors. They make me want to puke
I also want to quit my job. Perhaps those two go hand in hand.
I am financially stable so I could for a while go the unemployed route.
but then I am still asking
now what.
so...here I am.
examining my interests and scouring the horizon for anything resembling a direction for my future
anyone got any ideas
here are some:
-reiki practitioner (gotta clear my body mind and soul first though...and take some courses)
-community development (some hope for the future or future frustration)
-barista (who really gives a fuck anyway - oh I do so this could only be short term)
-professional depressed individual
-counsellor - maybe if i made myself available to those who actually WANT my help, maybe that could make a difference.
-business - i hate commerce. like i said banks make me want to puke
-outdoor stuff for youth
ug h ugfh iugh ugh gsdjkghdfkjjgfsdkl;f jkasd;ljfsFUCK!

foggy foggy stars

2010-09-17T09:50:00.001-07:00

I've been spending mornings looking for new work and trying to think of what else I can do. Turns out, while in one hand I think about doing a masters, in the other I consider the fact that I may very well be experiencing the official Burn Out - in which case, I should definitely consider doing something else.
What does it take to get around all of these things. Rules and guideliness to keep people safe. Just so we can break the rules to build up relationships? Why do we need to? I never have before, but I've also never been called a snitch, or a bitch, or a cunt, or splinter to my face (- and maybe if I'd done more than just seek your company I would understand. But I didn't detain you. I didn't turn you in. I didn't even taser you. I listened to your conversation and tried to be your friend!! )
So what does it take? When I can't seem to shift to curiosity any more and when I keep waiting for them to say something that makes sense to me or to even try to be nice to me. I think it's on the verge of being over.
they just don't seem to give a fuck about themselves so it's really hard for me to - especially when they can't walk 2 blocks home and need a ride because they don't want their $100 shoes getting dirty...hard to shift hard to shift hard to shift. My own values are coming out hard and smacking their pussy footing in the teeth. That's probably not what I should do....ha ha.
Now what?

home

2010-09-15T22:26:00.001-07:00

Home.
Concepts of home.
where I lay my hat should I wear one
Might be at the base of your feet
or at the roots of the tree
under the clouds
or in the sky
maybe I should set it alight
regardless of all these things
where is a home

New Moon - no this is not a Twilight reference

2010-08-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Its a full moon and a clear sky
My mind is care and weightless
Tied down by strings of attachment
My heart tries to clear
daily to make room for new things
refreshments and beginnings.
When all else fails within me
I can trust this moon
to be greater than us
Both our wills
will be healed with or without
our consent
and it will be right again.

Zoom-NOW!

2010-07-04T11:57:00.000-07:00

It's a work in progress...but soon she will fly!

a love song

2010-06-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

Oh,
I ache to be a part of what you've got.
This heart could be ripping from my chest
tearing out of the cage within
just to be a part of what you've got
And I can't run fast enough
to catch you,
nor my breath.

uh, ha
I'm racing through your virtual streets
Seeking a familiar face
or something of a conversation;
an image that doesn't speak

who,
Where when and WHEN
did you get that song
That sets my ears on crooked head
Toward your noisy blast?
of horns and beeps, obnoxious cars
sticky city bus seats
hold me fast, faster. still

Compost

2010-05-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from The Encyclopedia of Organic Gardening, reprinted in 1977, 31 years after the original!
"COMPOST: In the soft, warm bosom of a decaying compost heap, a transformation of life to death and back again is taking place. Life is leaving the living plants of yesterday, but in their death these leaves and stalks pass on their vitality to the coming generations of future seasons. Here in a dank and mouldy pile the wheel of life is turning.
Compost is more than a fertilizer or a healing agent for the soil's wounds. It is a symbol of continuing life. Nature herself made compost before man first walked the earth and before the first dinosaur reared its head about a primeval swamp. Leaves falling to the forest floor and slowly mouldering are composting. The dead grass of the meadow seared by winter's frost is being composted by the dampness of the earth beneath. The birds, the insects and the animals contributed their bodies to the vast and continuing soil rebuilding program of nature."

Take that to your next dics for breakfast!

2010-05-11T18:37:00.000-07:00

I called in dead today
I forgot how great that is
mostly it's best on sunny days
I remember in the dead of winter
calling in sick in winnipeg
and feeling so luxurious lying in the rays
like a cat
today being warm
I took off to the woods, where no one would find me
and I read, slept, daydreamed, watched an eagle overhead
finally feeling at peace
a little
with the decision I've made
to go home
I'm so happy and I can do this
without guilt
I'm so happy!

Elitism

2010-05-09T09:11:00.001-07:00

isms.... let's not go too long on this. but let's call it what it is.

Why you hatin' on the hipsters?

they like to shop.
They like to dance
they like Music.
I've heard they like to think they're better than everyone else
though I haven't seen that

So you don't like hipsters....
Because of their "better than thou" attitude, you say,
and you "feel sorry for them"
um.....your arguments are hollow. or shallow.
and dare I say, they come across as "better than thou"

so what's this really about?
Is it bad that people have found their collective community identity and have fun together?
(Is this any different than mods or punks or goths or ...any group who share common interests, ideas, and adornment?)
You say you've outgrown the need to be "like that"
I hope one day you outgrow the need to put down the "other".

Now that's a sexy ride...

2010-04-25T11:10:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty hopeful that this will be my new steed. yay!

Inspiration

2010-04-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

Don't strive for perfection. It is a man-made concept of state which does not exist. You will perpetually strive; and perpetually fail. You will find yourself in samsara. Your flaws will be continuous and overwhelming and your strengths will diminish in comparison.
Instead, strive for improvement. As a person, you are comprised of various skills. To improve on your strengths and skills will shift your focus toward the positive - hope of what you can honestly and earnestly achieve with dedication and mastery of skill. To improve your weaknesses is nothing short of positive growth and even in your flaws you will find satisfaction.
Finally, embrace. Embrace who you are, where you are at. Acknowledge all aspects of yourself and your process of change with lovingkindness. In this way, there is no failure. Be proud and pride-full of who you are and where you are going, for it is ever changing.

Ahh! THERE it is!!

2010-03-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

And so..
It was there all the time
the Glow
I had misplaced it, forgotten it,
Passion can be so elusive
Why, I'm not sure
How it leaves and how it returns is a mystery
But here...it is recovered.

Benjamin Zander on music and passion Video on TED.com

The bad plus

2010-03-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Ummm.....
For all those intense mathematical, musical, obsessively perfectness aware folk who enquire into new genre bending music ....and who remember the song Tom Sawyer by Rush, please please please listen to The Bad Plus' version. Whews and holy spews!

A day in the bush...

2010-03-25T22:29:00.000-07:00

A day in the bush is
is worth two or three in the city
The drive fro is always slower
than the drive to
Mind racing comes to a close

A day in the trees taught
about worth and silence
The rattle of the crow's feathers
echos without sirens
And peace can be breathed

A day in the sky is
a sigh from a lover in the moment after
Where clouds pulse perfection
without comparison to the gusts between.

Apparently....

2010-03-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

And things change...
Mercury, coming out of (something-or-other) retroactive moon...
In the retroactive, things from the past come up and old feelings spurned. "Things" are often resolved. Coming out of retroactive...should be on the upside of all this.
Doesn't make much sense in words, but it explains a whole lot of recent behaviours!

mis-ter communication

2010-03-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

I refuse to talk to you,
Don't you have Facebook?
This would be so much easier...
You wouldn't care if I did...
Stop putting words in my mouth!
Who said that; did I say that?
It's how I felt
It's my past insecurities...
well maybe you should work on those
I didn't say that!
Maybe I should have.

What's next
A pocket full of change
will jingle when I walk into the room
when I see you
when we can touch
are face to face
TALK

You'll see
It'll be different.

sigh and breathe

2010-03-07T01:25:00.000-08:00

Okay...enough of that already.

I know...guilty as charged! I have used this blog as a venting mural - and I have to say it has helped! Good thing friends seem to be the viewers and not the general public! Not that I mind so much if someone new happens to stop by, but i guess it's probably pretty boring.

In any case, I didn't get my job - ha, that sounds pretty ridiculous! (but it's true!) The downside of unions is that those with seniority get the jobs. So...come June or July new opportunities will await. (See the tone difference? whew...out of the clouds and into the blue!) As a positive, glowing references from those around me.

Still fully in love and appreciative of Big al. He's ridiculous good times and I am grateful that through my darkness he hugged.

And...sunshine. What a difference. I rode my mountain bike today and missed my dear female friends who are tough and gentle in the only way women can be!

woot woot to international women's day!!

2010-02-12T16:52:00.001-08:00

Where is the glow that used to be me?

well here's a bloody update!

2010-02-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

walked into work to find my job posted. Have to reapply for the job I already have. even if I don't get it, I won't leave until June or July. Up against a wall.
Another job I want, deadline past for applicants.
I applied anyway.
Criticized exceptionally for my playing. I now know my playing is not the issue - I play well with others. Just not those who play different games.
Then kicked out (of the band). Then told that if I'm aware of myself I might be welcomed back. and if it doesn't work out "it's no big deal".
stomach cramps
criticized by the youth I work with. Not able to connect. No reply from my boss for 2 weeks. Finally meeting with her tomorrow and scared as shit.
though I'm strangely open-eared now, as opposed to critical.
don't like my home and no money to move
making more than I ever have and broke as a branch.
the barriers are coming down.

Som eon e el s e

2010-02-12T16:39:00.000-08:00

This isn't a breakup. feels like it.
kicked out of the band. maybe. that's never happened before.
but maybe that's okay. just not jiving. feels like a fist (first). not deniable.

I will play with you - but only
if it's

Inspiration not

obligation

What is it
for me?
This time around, I feel different
less accepted
exceptional only in exception
is it you or is it me
who places the line where it seems to be?
I feel it's me, since I'm the one who may need
to let go and sink
sink sink.

And how to accept the self
without criticism.
let go of what you might think.

Youth and Ease

2010-02-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

A moment brought to you by astrology.

"In many ways, life can be almost too easy for those born in this week...and some may neglect their potential for higher development simply because they can be rather lazy about practical matters and unwilling to focus their talents in the interest of tangible achievement. Gifted with a strong ability to inspire others and to make themselves beloved by those around them, they can easily leave the more tedious details to others and content themselves with a superficial level of happiness and success....If they can only apply themselves to the discipline, training, and craftsmanship necessary to give form to their inspiration, the rest will fall into place as they make their way along this road.
Challenges: kick starting themselves
Fulfillment: Experiencing the satisfaction of hanging in there for the long haul."

There is an incredible amount that I can read into this - And truth to it as well, I think. Life sometimes is so easy I shake my head. But the reality is that I ditch situations too soon. I fear failure. I fear success. I fear criticism and I'm never sure when to take it or leave it. (usually I leave it and I think I should probably take it most of the time)

Today I play a show with the band I've been with. The last few practices have been hell.
Every song warranted some kind of comment or criticism about what the drummer (me) was doing wrong. I began to wonder about playing with this band at all. I think about playing with kelsey and how hard that was sometimes. It was hard because I knew I needed to push myself because he wasn't going to. With this band, it's both me pushing and others. I have a hard time with the latter, but perhaps I need it as well. After 6 years with Kels, I listen now to how far we came and it becomes obvious that there is truth in the statements above.
The people in this band are sickly talented. Allan reminds me that I, too, belong in that category (or else I wouldn't be in the band), despite my frustrations. My ability to take criticism and use it, or turn it on myself, is entirely dependant on me. Only I can allow it to bother me. An investment in the long term with this band may actually mean saying something to let them know the timing of the criticism is bad and I need it differently if I'm expected to learn from it.

"...Still, they have strong virtuoso talents and remarkable gifts that will beg for expression..."

Cirlce of Courage

2010-01-23T10:14:00.001-08:00

Care of Reclaiming Youth International, I'm learning about the Circle of Courage. this is on-going learning from when I left Winnipeg, but it resonates true continuously. These are things that I need to consider when working with at-risk youth. I would argue that these are things I need to consider when working with myself too.

Compassion

2010-01-09T09:47:00.001-08:00

Do you remember how to have fun?

2009-12-19T10:09:00.001-08:00

Do you remember how to laugh and giggle and be silly with your friends? with yourself? with your spirit? In those moments, there is never any judgement, no embarrasment, no question of belonging or making an ass out of oneself. NO! It's just purity.

Allow yourself these moments and you will allow others to be vulnerable and have fun too! (Deny yourself and you deny everyone around you that honesty.) Have some fun and go play! (Do I seriously need to convince you?)

The Four Agreements

2009-12-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

All Tomorrow's Parties

2009-12-12T09:36:00.001-08:00

Well, after talking to Prairie Grown on the phone about how I didn't really want to go to a party but also felt the need to establish friendships, I went. ha. I went to the party, but friendships wasn't really what I got out of it. I learned some other lessons.

I biked there, and it was all uphill on the way, which helped me clear my head while I exercised. Or so I thought. On arrival, I realised that I was feeling quite introverted and shy. I mingled breifly but had a hard time feeling connected to anyone there. I said sorry a lot and people kept telling me not to, or saying "get over it, it's okay". I offended some folks, unintentionally, by walking away from them. I was actually scared. true. and strange. I guess I should have listened to my introverted inklings before I went.
I then smoked a joint with some guy outside which I think was laced with something ( I couldn't sleep later at all) and I got super paranoid (great, just the opposite of what I was hoping for). I tried dancing, but felt like I couldn't relax. I felt completely alone in the crowd, but also made myself alone by walking away from people, putting on my blinders, not saying hi, feeling awkward. I left. I was embarrased. Some guys got me to play dice with them outside on my way out. I took all their money. Meanwhile, the entire time my mouth wouldn't stop saying "this is so bizarre" "that's crazy" (repeat) - no way to make friends thats for sure! steal their money and call them crazy. ha. way to go.
The other thing that polarized me was that people kept taking shots at my partner, and he wasn't even there. They said these things to me, expecting me to be okay with it and get the joke. Perhaps they are missing the fact that I'm still with him - for many reasons.
Perhaps I'm too sensitive. I got anxiety, though, that's fair to say.

It took me probably 20 minutes to get all my clothing sorted for the bike ride home. I was stoned and cold and having trouble thinking. I was embarassed by my lengthy exit as I'd hoped to exude grace. In any case, the ride home was, logically, all down hill. It was cold and I had to stop a couple of times to rearrange my clothing situation again and again. But I got going. And I realised some things: A) I went to the party because of the bike ride. What a freeing experience.
B) My partner supports me and wants me to be myself . He wants me to do the things I love, like drumming. I am often full of fear, appologising, not allowing myself to grow from fear of rejection, but he unconditionally supports me in those things. I realised I need to do those things I love, and from that will come confidence, not the other way around.
C) There was some other stuff, but I think I vented all the things I needed to because I can't think of what the other stuff was. I guess, I'll add that it's winter and I'm feeling introverted and I can/should honour that. It's okay to not want to socialize all the time. I'm feeling distanced from the people here, but that's okay. I can let them in by telling them that and going from there.

So, I'm glad I went. I reestablished some connections just by simply seeing people's faces in the crowd. I learned that in the future, I will book the following day off work so I can give myself plenty of time to party and get comfortable with those folks. And I am soooooo glad that I had my bicycle.
ha ha ha.

Shift from Judgement to Curiosity

2009-12-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

What is it that helps one develop their sense of belonging?
Non judgement.
But truly, how rare is it that complete strangers will accept me unconditionally?
True friends dedicate themselves in this way. But strangers seem to scrutinize more on most occasions, perhaps simply because they don't want to invest their heart where it might get hurt.

To past posts

2009-12-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

Not long ago, I published, then deleted, a rant about the desire to be single when focusing on spirituality. When seeking one's path, I still find that space needs to be given to the individual in order to find connection to the WHOLE. But, in my readings, I have stumbled across something new/ancient, which challenges this perspective. Given the vibe of the blog, I felt the need to post an excerpt:

...He acknowledges an archetypal aspect of this path. It is not taken alone; there is always the 'other' - master, disciple, pupil, sister, wife, friend, beloved - who is the silent partner, who represents the human love and care, who carries the other side, gives encouragement by believing, and is the mortal twin of the immortal urge...
...this dependent relation to the Mother archetype is inevitable. ...Only in the West is this attitude questionable, for we tend to view negatively the relm of the Mother and to call that inevitable dependency upon the material limits in which we are set a 'complex'. We in the West are often too quick to condemn the 'Mother' thereby cutting ourselves off from our own ground.
(James Hillman, Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man Commentary pp. 238; Shambala Publications Inc, 1970.)

And so...

2009-11-15T09:26:00.001-08:00

And so it begins again.
The common and familiar ache of watching
My fellow creatures writhe in their own decided suffering
and oh how I would tell you your choices
Different decisions which could be made
But it's not up to me, nor is it my life
So I watch and sometimes cry
while you stumble in and out the door
waiting on the otherside for something more

Definitive not
Assumptive, nope
Courageous, you are
Hopeful is my heart.

For love of Longboarding

2009-11-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

So... Sunday night. Took off this evening after dinner in a flurry of excitement. Going out to drink beer and ride the longboard I have neglected all summer - although I have to say that fall is by far the best season for bombing hills. Way less cars around at night, cool temperatures, the leaves falling, the beautiful views.... I dunno, it just fits somehow.
I grabbed my board and drove to the end of Gordon Dr, which I may have to say is MY best kept secret about Kelowna. It's new development so very few people live there, brand new pavement, a little gravel from the construction, but nothing unavoidable....and a fantastic view of the town (which I will deny city status just because) lights at night.
I started out just getting my bearings (trucks a little tighter than maybe they should be - wide turns, gravel spits, but....) oh yeah, the wind in my eyes, on my cheeks, chapping my lips! Hell ya! I forgot all about how good this feels! A few more runs down a rather calm street, practise a few shuck stops and I'm on my way up. Around every turn I'm screaming and talking to myself in excitement "Can you believe this, Man?!?!". It goes up and up and up, and then up some more, around sexy corners and left and right just enough , sometimes splitting up, to control speed. I'm stoked. I'm going faster than I've gone in a long long time and it feels so incredible. I wish everyone could have this kind of feeling/adrenaline rush/ passion in their lives.
Fuck ya. Move elsewhere and I find this beautiful creekside path. insanely steep, cross-sectioned by a ...SPEED BUMP? WHO THE HELL ALLOWED THE NO FUN POLICE?!?!?! but whatever, skip passed that and you've got a cedar lined pathway along a creek, in the shadows of a cliff where the stars shine brighter (for once) than the house lights. thank god. exhale. yeah. awesome.
In the end...Two thumbs and two big toes up for longboarding by myself by darkness and streetlight. Few things are better.

oh yeah, and these girls are my new heros...

Art Show!

2009-11-08T07:24:00.000-08:00

Got a surprise from Stacey at Tweaked and Yummy (http://www.tweakedandyummy.com/)! She's put my art on display for the month of November! (I have an art show?!?!)
I am extremely grateful.
Here's a link to my other blog
http://maitacasart.blogspot.com/

* ha, not my photo!

spiritual and single?

2009-10-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes if feels like the only way to do it
or is it?

It's something I am aware of: I have a hard time feeling that I am living for me and for my spirit when I share the energy waves with a lover. However, when I'm with friends my sense of self is not compromised to the same extent. So why is it that being with a lover makes me feel that my sense of identity is being lost? Am I giving all my energy away? I wonder if there is some semi-conscious belief that I hold which suggests that in a partnership I must "sacrifice" myself to make it work? ugh, it's all so anti-feminist to think about - but perhaps I am a victim of my own stigmatizing!

To try and find balance, here are some contemplations:
Times we are great together:
- playing outside
- joking around
- hanging out without attachment to time
- supporting each other in times of grief or sadness

Times we are not as great together (not as supportive or struggling):
- being around friends
- before/after he has work
- when I return from being away on my own

Usually the latter are due, on my part, to trying to balance "inspiration vs obligation". When I feel I need to be social, it is often a pull in the opposite direction from him. When I have some time to work on me, I later find it difficult to adjust back into being "with someone" and there is often what feels like a power struggle.
This is not new for me. I had a boyfriend once who said while I broke up with him for similar reasons, "I don't think you'll ever find "the one"". I felt insulted, but now I'm going to entertain that thought for a second: "the one"....to me it's not about that. It's about sharing your experiences with someone and being together, supporting each other to grow, as separate energic beings. I often just feel stifled in relationships. My trouble is that I'm not sure if it's all in my head or if I'm actually being held back in some way shape or form. How can I be independent AND in a partnership? Is it possible to maintain a sense of identity and not compromise your sense of self? I feel that often compromises of many sorts are important when in relationships. But I fear that resentment is right around the corner.

Okay, enough relational ranting. I didn't invent this blog to get relationship therapy. Let's just say these are my thoughts and contemplations for the day - and, yeah, of course I love hearing others' thoughts on these matters.

2009-10-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

i did something different yesterday, and now I feel great. I quit my job. Its different because I thought I needed to stay there. I kept telling customers that I was staying. Kept telling myself that I "still need a job". But yesterday I had my limit of crap. Co-workers bitching all day about how she appeared like a psycho last night to her new love interest but also pissed off her ex-boyfriend - oh none of them actually talked to each other, they just texted all night (um...you're all crazy). And I realised that I have a really hard time connecting to someone who bases the success of their relationships on little short hand notes sent electronically. I realized that I had been thrown into someone else's tribe and I need to get home.
That was just part of it, of course, but it was the part that threw me over the edge and made me realize I needed to do something different.
Upon handing in the letter, I felt like the bubble I had been living in had popped; the gas mask I had been breathing through was removed and I could actually breathebreathe exhale again. it was beautiful.
With some success in my art and some options on the table, I feel better equipped than ever before to just do something different. I'm hopeful and feeling the connection to my feet oh so nicely. yay!

Mark Jenkins is my new hero

2009-10-14T10:27:00.001-07:00

Seven Sacred Truths

2009-10-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

seven chakras, seven Christian sacraments, seven segments of the Tree of Life, seven sacred laws of the Anishnaabe, Seven Sacred Truths.

Respect --- All is One
Honesty --- Honour one another
Truth --- Honour Oneself
Love --- Love is Divine Power
Courage --- Surrender personal will to Divine Will
Wisdom --- Seek only the Truth
Humility --- Live in the Present moment

The more I read about all these things, the more similarities I see and it is grounding. I tread lightly and respectfully when I know the whole is affected by my movements. It is an honour to be honest when I can see how you feel honoured by it. It is truth that we all seek, and in the silence of looking inward, I hear truth within myself. Love. I seek to have Courage to let go, surrender, confess, cleanse myself of negativity and accept me/all ("Cleansing the spirit is the most essential step in the healing process."; "We are not designed to be critical of others or ourselves..."). It is through seeking the truth that wisdom can grow.
With acceptance, wisdom, understanding of my connection to others and the greater whole, I am humbled. When I am humbled, I want to listen, quiet my inner noise, and just be in the present. That is when all my truths are aligned.

Peace.

sexual relations

2009-09-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

a woman may have her sexual desires interfered by her external situation. She may want to be intimate with her partner but something (stress, uncertainty, distraction) is preventing her from being present in the moment, and thus prevents orgasm, complete letting go, or feeling like she is a part of the connection. How can she heal this?
I don't know where to start looking for healing in this. To look inward in this instance is confusing. I am not sure where to turn. Is it mental? Physical? Spiritual? Do men have the same experience? Though I try to discuss this with my partner, he states he does not understand because he can't find an answer or "fix". I question if it is truly a problem, since I know in my heart that it is temporary. How can I help him understand this? How can I help him through this so he does not feel rejected or pull back? His solution is to quit being intimate for a while. My heart feels broken when this is the case. I feel we need to work together, not apart on this issue, but perhaps he is right. Since it is my head that is getting in the way, I recognize that I need to do my work in this area.
How can I start this work? Where do I look first? Can I affect change in some area of my life where I am not? Is it a reflection of my inability to be present elsewhere in my life? Is there something between us that is missing? I find him incredibly attractive. Our most recent sexual experience was the best yet, so I don't think that our sex life is troubled. However, apparently it is...
Ladies, can you give me some clues, ideas, or suggestions?

Hyena vs. Maitaca

2009-09-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

As the machines, chainsaws and humans came closer and closer, the animals of the forest decided they needed to determine how they were going to deal with their ever-shrinking homeland. All of the animals came, and they invited representatives from all the other shrinking forests to help. They met for minutes and hours and days and nights and weeks, discussing different strategies.
Many animals, like the jaguar, wanted to continue to shrink back, do nothing and continue to hide. Others, like the ants, wanted to take the humans by an army of force. "It's too noisy!" said the bats, who could no longer find food to eat in their blindness. "What if we overpower them with sound?" suggested the muskrat. "Oh yes, they are truly afraid of the forest noises!" said the owl, "surely we could win at such a war." Many of the animals thought this was a great plan, "But who can make so much noise? I can not compete with their machines," said the snake. The animals debated and thought. Many animals suggested they would like to try.
First came the sparrows. They rang up such a chorus of songs that the elephant had to cover his ears. Still the machines came.
Then came the cicadas. They made as much noise as they could, but it only went to the forest walls, and still the machines came.
Many animals came forth but they were no competition for the machines of man.
Then came forth a strange parrot of Brasil, Maitaca. His bright hue drew the attention of the crowd. He started to sing, and it was beautiful but there also was something different about his song. It made all the animals smile. He could not sing loud but there was promise in the feeling that he shared as he flew, ducked and dove, and belted his favourite tunes. One of the bravest, but most hated animals then came forward. He said "I like this bird. He is not loud, but he shows strength in being positive. I am one of the most hated and feared animals of the jungle, but I too know this feeling. My kind has learned to laugh to cope with being so despised and we are known for our calls. I too, would like to try." And so the Hyena started to cackle, and laugh, and Maitaca continued to swoop and dive and sing. Soon, they were playing a game: as the bird dove, the hyena laughed up at him and back and forth they called to each other.
Soon enough all of the animals were smiling for the beauty of Maitaca's song. And as the game between hyena and maitaca continued, they started to laugh. It was so funny to watch, and hyena's laugh was so contagious they could not help themselves! The more they laughed, the more they laughed and soon all of the animals of all the forests were laughing, clutching their sides, stomping the ground with their hooves, and crying; they were laughing and smiling so much! The sound of laughter spread to the edge of the forest, and then to the sky, and then out over the entire land, and the more the animals laughed, the funnier it sounded to everyone, and so they continued to laugh.

Sam looked at Joe. The tree crashed to the ground, but the chopper didn't come to get it. Sam and Joe looked at Sandra, in the cab of the machinery. She was staring at the forest, wide eyed. Sam looked in the direction of the forest and cocked his head. Joe adjusted his hard hat and turned off his chain saw to figure out what he was missing. Soon, all the machines started to turn off as each person started to listen. From the forest came the most incredible sound - It sounded like FUN! Sandra started to giggle. Joe put down his chainsaw and started to laugh. Sam nearly fell out of the tree as he started to laugh. What was that noise they were hearing? Who knew, it was so contagious!

As the animals from the forest started to hear the humans laugh, they realised what was happening! No one had heard so much laughter in so long, hadn't smiled so much in so many years that they didn't want to stop. And so it was that the humans quit cutting down the forest and the animals kept their homes.

she saw red

2009-08-22T14:48:00.001-07:00

Colombian graffitti, taken from my new favourite blog:
http://www.fatcap.com/tag/street-art/

A Dive and A Dip

2009-08-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

The colours of my dreams can so rarely be explained; forgotten before I speak. Blues and browns, with a tinge of red last night. Pink and green, or dark dark blood like red (danger appears or I fear for my life). The hues blend and change, like a ship at sea, swaying gently sometimes and other times in the throes of a storm. Often more reflective of the emotions "spoken", than any comparable daylight reality, they also make a bigger impact on my wake state later. Last night I dreamt of belonging.

Tonight, I hope not to dream much at all.

Language

2009-08-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Language. shapes how we see the world or is a reflection of how we see the world? (likely this is a chicken or egg question). Here's a quote from a local website. Note the masculinity and tone. Despite it being just print (discard all arguments about how tone can be lost in print), I feel that things are being communicated beyond the words. They aren't necessarily intended. Perhaps simply how this person learned to speak...nonetheless....

“The biggest incident over the weekend was of course the flare up of the Terrace Mountain fire. The biggest problem was the reallocation of man power to help with what was going on with the reestablishment of the evacuation orders.”
Holmes says because the fire affected areas in their detachment area, they had to pull some officers off of regular shifts to man the restricted zones."

Maybe it's just me.

2009-07-22T20:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning in a rarity. Only once in a few years will I wake up in the morning with as much energy as I had this morning. The last distinctive memory I have of a similar situation was in high school. Our lovely South African exchange student was subject to me waking her up by excitedly jumping on her bed. So I awoke this morning vibrating with excitement for the day. I decided immediately on an adventure and prepped for the day.

Choose a path, get the gear, and go. I found myself exploring a latter part of the Okanagan High Rim Trail. After 9 kms of dirt road, I found the trail head, along with an old rusted and
beat up truck. I don't even know how they got it in there, it was surrounded by trees, hood up, windows smashed, spray painted...left me with an eerie feeling as I walked through the woods. With every step I pulled cob webs along my skin, trying not to go a little nuts. No one had been here in a while. After 15 minutes, going the wrong direction once and back tracking, I found the trail: completely impassable. Dead fall covered a steep slope leading to the creek below. I had to turn back. I briefly debated leaving altogether and just going to the beach but talked myself into finding the other side of the trail and going North instead.

I came upon a clear cut. Moose tracks. Blueberries. Quiet. Revisiting my map often, I decided to walk until the next trail head divider, 5 kms away. I kept myself happy and any bears at bay by clapping, singing old grateful dead songs, talking to the birds and myself. It was tough; single track cleared by deer interspersed with quad trails. Finally, I reached the bridge just prior to my destination, I sat to take it all in -by now quite adjusted to the cob webs coating my skin. The creek water was WARM. It was a 34 degree day.

After lunch, heading back was not so simple. I cleared the cedar forest and moved across the gravel to follow the quad track out. "um.... where'd the flagging tape go?" Rustling. Fuck. Clap my hands louder. Okay, let's try back tracking. I returned to the clearing. No flagging tape but where I had previously emerged from. Fuck. Must be the right way. Okay, let's try again. Back down the trail. Birch and Poplar trees crooked over the path...I don't remember those; was I just not paying attention? Another 15 minutes. Snorts and breathing from the trees. Fuck. Clap and sing a song "I don't know where I will go, can't find the path oh no oh no, I'll be alright come Postill Road"...
This can't be right. Go back. Back to the clearing, back past the noise ( no longer but still with dread). I scour the trees. And then...there it is. A small hole in the woods, barely visible pink and black striped flagging tape behind the tree ....exhale. Had I truly come from there? Of course. And the walk back was simple. Quiet. No more hand clapping. No more fear. Quiet that listens to the birds. I realise with giggles that even a small sparrow can make a loud rustling.
Past the ripped pair of shorts, scare a small buck in the clear cut, and find the car. Legs aching, sun baking, breathe.

I drove out of there with time to swim in the lake and cool off, completely overwhelmed by the juxtaposition of being completely lost and alone in the woods far from Kelowna, to being surrounded by bikinis, ice cream, and all of the nonsense that people feel the need to bring to the beach in order to have a good time. All of me torn - so happy to be surrounded by humans/so put off by the excess.
Next time, I don't think I'll go it alone.

winnipeg folk festival

2009-07-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

new projects

2009-07-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

I got hired to paint shirts for a local vintage/retro shop. super stoked! Job number 2 comes into play....

Meet Arthur

2009-06-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

Walking the High Rim Trail today I came across "Arthur".
A kilometre or so away, a trail maintenance crew let me in on it's name.
"That's some creepy dead shit, is what that is", says one of them.
I didn't tell them I took a photo.

2009-06-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

A story of Complication.

one story
lead by thought
herds another into woven
fabrications
unheard

An act
pulls conclusions out of another
based on assumptions
unspoken
though like loosestrife
take over

a heart
drawn into closure
aches at misperception
and closes the door
with a bang

Acceptance.

2009-06-24T06:37:00.001-07:00

The Crossing of the First Threshold
This is the point where the person actually crosses into the field of adventure, leaving the known limits of his or her world and venturing into an unknown and dangerous realm where the rules and limits are not known.

Here it is. I have accepted and now look forward. Changed direction. Smelled the wind and decided it was not in that direction that I would follow. and here I stand, relaxed shoulders, head high, eyes open, and actually excited not freaked out. thank God. Let's go!

(I declined the job. It's time for a new direction! Hurray!)

inner dialogue

2009-06-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Intuition...the other day I asked myself to find someone who had all the answers. And then I looked at my stomach. I know I have all the answers, somewhere in here...but where oh where oh where oh where and how do I know what's an answer and what's a question...?
It's like when I was a teenager and people used to say "just be yourself". All I could think was , well, that's great - if I had a fucking clue who I was!
Here it is again..."just do what you love" - umm...can you tell me what that is or what is going to make me happy because I don't know right now. what do I love? Doubt.
"Just listen to your intuition" - what does it sound like? How do I distinguish my intuition from my inner critic?

"It's just an opportunity." - ...

the other day Someone told me I am the "eternal optimist" .
my anxiety, self-defeat, and insecurities have collectively just thrown up on their shoes.

ThE RE-Fuse-all

2009-06-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck in the refusal.
Often when the call is given, the future hero refuses to heed it. This may be from a sense of duty or obligation, fear, insecurity, a sense of inadequacy, or any of a range of reasons that work to hold the person in his or her current circumstances.
I'm overwhelmed with inadequacy, fear, insecurity, and obligation...
how daunting...
Entrepreneurship....what that means exactly perhaps I'll never know. I see doors opening to me but I just feel like I don't have my shit together in time. A space at the Local artist's studio...but I need this and that to apply. And instead of throwing it all together, I think "maybe in the future". A call to artists for an art show....and I shy from the process because I don't know how it works - have I learned anything about asking questions?
A fear because I don't know what to do - music, paint, clothes, consignment deals, displays, themes, jewelry, whaty what what!?
If there are four boats in the ocean, how do I know which one to get into?
If I'm A procrastinator, how will I ever forgive myself for missed opportunities?

Oh how human of me to feel this insecure

Nomura's Jellyfish

2009-06-11T21:07:00.001-07:00

I just had to blog this...

Jellyfish are bizarre to begin with, but these things take the cake. In fact, they sometimes become cake.

attog boj

2009-06-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job in youth care
part of me is freaked out
part of me is very happy.
It's 12 hours a week
in an emergency shelter
last stop
one stop shop
I told them I teach drums
they said I could do that there if I wanted
sounds pretty awesome
maybe I'll pay off my debt soon

I saw some of the youth there
before and after the interview
they smiled and were sweet
then opened their mouths
and spewed tone and attitude
that is so commonplace in their lives.
I laughed.
It's hard not to have the knee-jerk reaction
when someone talks at you like that.
Another youth talked about shooting animals
with his air-soft. A different kind of knee-
jerk reaction came up through my gut.

I hope I can remember how to do my job.
ha.

Shift from Judgement to Curiosity

Eagle are Gone and No More Caribou - Part 2

2009-06-02T12:37:00.001-07:00

Part 2 of a 4 part series...

creation-is-t

2009-05-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Here's some new creations from my frazzled mind and steady hands...

An invitation...

2009-05-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

I invite all readers to share something they did recently out of kindness which may or may not have been noticed by any/all recipients - simply to acknowledge the simple gentle acts of kindness/beauty/gentleness which happen so regularly in our lives, and to open our eyes to opportunities as well...

- I placed my partner's favourite cup on top of a teetering pile of dishes in the drying rack so he had quick access and wouldn't feel obligated to put all the dishes away.

- Someone placed some lilac flowers on top of a dying bush.

-...

Post hieros gamos.../ "and yet"

2009-05-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

Woman as the Temptress
At one level, this step is about those temptations that may lead the hero to abandon or stray from his or her quest, which as with the Meeting with the Goddess does not necessarily have to be represented by a woman. For Campbell, however, this step is about the revulsion that the usually male hero may feel about his own fleshy/earthy nature, and the subsequent attachment or projection of that revulsion to women. Woman is a metaphor for the physical or material temptations of life, since the hero-knight was often tempted by lust from his spiritual journey.
Atonement with the Father
In this step the person must confront and be initiated by whatever holds the ultimate power in his or her life. In many myths and stories this is the father, or a father figure who has life and death power. This is the center point of the journey. All the previous steps have been moving in to this place, all that follow will move out from it. Although this step is most frequently symbolized by an encounter with a male entity, it does not have to be a male; just someone or thing with incredible power. For the transformation to take place, the person as he or she has been must be "killed" so that the new self can come into being. Sometime this killing is literal, and the earthly journey for that character is either over or moves into a different realm.
Apotheosis
To apotheosize is to deify. When someone dies a physical death, or dies to the self to live in spirit, he or she moves beyond the pairs of opposites to a state of divine knowledge, love, compassion and bliss. This is a god-like state; the person is in heaven and beyond all strife. A more mundane way of looking at this step is that it is a period of rest, peace and fulfillment before the hero begins the return.

And perhaps I am no where near (here) yet
ne'er know wear
I have not worn
....and yet...
I am afraid of progress and I am afraid of losing progress.
Caught in a swirling pool of
flashing fears memories changes I have made that I'm still not sure were a good idea;
revolt
revolting surges in my gut
make me want to puke up all the emotions
I can muster,
is it everything I have swallowed in the past or is this self indulgence?

where does my intuition kick in and give me the answer?
where does this all encompassing dread end?
a fear that I have not lived,
that I am living,
not living enough,
doing too much,
not enough,
having no impact,
making the wrong impact,

exactly where I am supposed to be
no longer sitting in this unrest with patience.
and oh how I would take action
(more than thrash wildly - hold back the water, catch it in a cup and throw it to the sky
at what)
could I think of what purposeful action to take ...
I am beyond running in circles (on purpose anyway),
my mind is continuing to run the gammet in the mean time.

And then...

2009-05-19T09:51:00.001-07:00

Initiation

The Road of Trials
The road of trials is a series of tests, tasks, or ordeals that the person must undergo to begin the transformation. Often the person fails one or more of these tests, which often occur in threes.
The Meeting with the Goddess
The meeting with the goddess represents the point in the adventure when the person experiences a love that has the power and significance of the all-powerful, all encompassing, unconditional love that a fortunate infant may experience with his or her mother. It is also known as the "hieros gamos", or sacred marriage, the union of opposites, and may take place entirely within the person. In other words, the person begins to see him or herself in a non-dualistic way. This is a very important step in the process and is often represented by the person finding the other person that he or she loves most completely. Although Campbell symbolizes this step as a meeting with a goddess, unconditional love and /or self unification does not have to be represented by a woman

Awakening

2009-05-19T09:34:00.000-07:00

I oftened wondered why I felt so much better after delving into the depths of pain, or sadness, or joy; crying out from the depths of my gut; getting dizzy from laughter; losing sight only to resurface and inhale deeper than I have in a long time...I have wondered about the purpose of "getting carried away" and why our culture shies from this. I wonder about the fear of this kind of primal expression.
Here is an excerpt from Siddhartha, by Hermann Hesse:
"As he slowly went on his way, his head was full of this thought. He reflected deeply, until this feeling completely overwhelmed him and he reached a point where he recognised causes; for to recognise causes, it seemed to him, is to think, and through thought alone feelings become knowledge and are not lost, but become real and begin to mature."

This paragraph went "click" in my head. I lose myself because i can see more clearly what it is I'm feeling; I find the truth of my state by crossing boundaries, trying tears on, and being real to myself. In that, then I can pull away with a greater sense of truth to/in/of myself. When we cut ourselves off from feeling our emotions, we deny ourselves the opportunity to reflect and mature to our own nature.

"May I be at peace; May my heart remain open; May I awaken to the light of my own true nature; May I be healed and may I be a source of healing for all beings"
Peace.

wanna look hip?

2009-05-15T17:51:00.000-07:00

So I've started painting and lino printing on fabrics!
And I can do it to order!
If you would like something custom made, or a similar pattern to these, let me know. Since I'm coming to folk fest, I can bring items to winnipeggers.

Andrei Platonov

2009-05-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

"A new consciousness is emerging in my work. I know that one cannot reorient oneself just like that: sit down, ponder, and be reborn. Reorientation occurs as the result of coming up against reality. Some perish, while others are reborn. Most likely, reorientation depends on the material at hand, and not simply on ideological purpose. Literature, after all, needs not only a proletarian ideology, but flesh, and blood, and an alluring heart."

published in Harper's Magazine, Vol. 310, No 1859, April 2005, pg 26.

It begins with a death...

2009-05-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

Departure

The Call to Adventure
The call to adventure is the point in a person's life when they are first given notice that everything is going to change, whether they know it or not.
Refusal of the Call
Often when the call is given, the future hero refuses to heed it. This may be from a sense of duty or obligation, fear, insecurity, a sense of inadequacy, or any of a range of reasons that work to hold the person in his or her current circumstances.
Supernatural Aid
Once the hero has committed to the quest, consciously or unconsciously, his or her guide and magical helper appears, or becomes known.
The Crossing of the First Threshold
This is the point where the person actually crosses into the field of adventure, leaving the known limits of his or her world and venturing into an unknown and dangerous realm where the rules and limits are not known.
The Belly of the Whale
The belly of the whale represents the final separation from the hero's known world and self. It is sometimes described as the person's lowest point, but it is actually the point when the person is between or transitioning between worlds and selves. The separation has been made, or is being made, or being fully recognized between the old world and old self and the potential for a new world/self. The experiences that will shape the new world and self will begin shortly, or may be beginning with this experience which is often symbolized by something dark, unknown and frightening. By entering this stage, the person shows their willingness to undergo a metamorphosis, to die to him or herself.

http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/ref/summary.html

The Hero's Journey

2009-05-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Joseph Campbell explores the Hero's Journey, and the idea behind a Monomyth in his book, The Hero with a Thousand Faces. Campbell summarizes the myth as such:

" A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man."

The monomyth contains a number of stages which the antagonist moves through in order to fulfill the process. According to Campbell (and Wikipedia),
" The hero starts in the ordinary world, and receives a call to enter an unusual world of strange powers and events (a call to adventure). If the hero accepts the call to enter this strange world, the hero must face tasks and trials (a road of trials), and may have to face these trials alone, or may have assistance. At its most intense, the hero must survive a severe challenge, often with help earned along the journey. If the hero survives, the hero may achieve a great gift, which often results in important self-knowledge. The hero must then decide whether to return with this boon (the return to the ordinary world), often facing challenges on the return journey. If the hero is successful in returning, the boon or gift may be used to improve the world."

Many examples exist in religion (Christ, Buddha), popular culture (star wars, oh brother where art thou), and in our own daily lives. In regards to spiritual energies, the hero's journey is connected to the sacral chakra, one's greater sense of identity and purpose, and indeed can result in spiritual awakening, an open heart, and a gift which may be used to improve the world.

For Buddha Blues!

2009-05-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

okay, this has made my day for the last couple of days. Guilty pleasures...but seriously folks...
giggles are healthy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpA2tMrQ4RU

Men I love

2009-05-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

gentle, strong, compassionate, good listeners, intelligent, humble, confident, comfortable in their skin, witty, loving,

(if you are reading this and you are my friend, you embody in some way some or all of these characteristics! yay you!)

womyn I love

2009-05-08T17:17:00.000-07:00

creative, sensitive, genuine, funny, vulnerable, independent, knowledgeable, supportive, cautious, street smart, open, gentle, not afraid to love, honest, ...

(if you're reading this, most likely you are my friend and in some capacity you embody these characteristics! yay you!)

other selves

2009-05-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

I've had some vivid dreams:
Allan and I sat at my family dinner with some of dad's colleagues and one of them had been the first to manipulate a successful stem cell operation. he was discussing the out come. While the man talked, my perspective was one of sitting at the table. But, when Allan lit up a cigarette at the table, my perspective shifted to being an outside observer. (He doesn't smoke, so this was huge - and he would never dream of smoking in doors), then he proceeded to piss everyone at the table off, got up and walked out. Outside, I chased him down and he kept saying things like "you know it's not going to make a lick of a difference to our fucked up world"and stuff that was calling everyone down. Then he said "Mimi was the first to the crime scene - that's what you can say". I kept grabbing at his arms and pleading, telling him I'd have to call the police, and at the last second of the dream, he ripped his arm away from me and his face got bloated and angry right in my face ( like a cartoon), and red with anger. It was fucked. Prior to all that, in the same dream, I had made some dinner things and my mom kept changing them. One that upset me the most was that I had made a mango salsa and my mom put ketchup in it because it needed tomato. I was so upset that she ruined my recipe.

Strange dreams...I can't help but wonder about all these dreams I have of people's faces, negativity, and wonder if it is all emotions that I have towards my self or my life which I am projecting onto others in my dreams?...The night prior, I had a dream and Kirsten's face got red and purple and big (like a cartoon) when I punched her in the stomach for saying my friends are bullshitting liars and who don't really care about me or anything I do. ...and in the dream previous to that one, I was hanging out with some girls who were excessively mean and violent towards other girls in general and each other ( like gang members or the high school popular girls are). They got really pissed at one point and I left. Walking down the street, I heard one of the girls screaming she'd come find me. I ended up hiding in the bushes.

It's stange all these dreams. I don't understand yet but there's something to them I'm sure of it.
a constant prevailing sense of dread, fear, doubt, negativity, anger, faces faces faces....very prevalent faces.....purples, reds and browns....

Eagle are gone and no more caribou

2009-05-05T17:45:00.001-07:00

"Godspeed, Mother Nature; I never really wanted to say good-bye"

I thought my creative juices had stopped altogether. Turns out all I needed was a little racial ignorance and submersion in a cold pool of water.

2009-04-30T22:02:00.001-07:00

I'm deflated
thought I was following something right
this time

Aching
for meaning and purpose
a little more

Exhaling on
every puncture to the picture or what
I could

becalm

Leaves

2009-04-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

Leave
Leaf
Leaving
Loving
Leaf(s)
Left
Loft
Left overs
Large leftover lunches from leftwing leafs fans.

Signs that sing

2009-04-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

Something happened to my camera yesterday or today...those lines across the pictures should not be there. That's annoying. Regardless, the signs are there...

Only a tourist would be amazed...

DIRTBAGGER

2009-04-30T09:22:00.001-07:00

Kelsey and Mimi

For Tonya

2009-04-29T15:09:00.001-07:00

I fell in love because your heart was bigger than the world.

2009-04-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

Alan and I took our bikes to Knox mountain - 20 minute bike through Kelowna north from our house. On our way, we encountered these rock collections. Shortly thereafter, we rode down a ledge that led into construction of mansions and condos. A falcon hovered at the edge of the forest where the mountain turned to gravel, and sat in a pine beetle devastated tree. It was 3 meters away.

What I left behind...

2009-04-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

2009-04-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

a distance of chairs is pretty indicative of the distance I sometimes feel from you.
passive aggressive never brought you closer
it was a tough weekend
and on sunday we went home
I'm waiting for you to come home now
not sure what you'll be like when you walk in the door
a little like eggshells and I don't like this feeling
because my nurturing heart attaches to you
no matter what you may say
and blames myself
I need to tell you that
but more than that, I need to look inside
myself and stop letting your moods determine mine.

2009-04-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

I'm new here

2009-04-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

I'm new here
Can't say I know too many people.
I sat outside at night
two cats, like kittens
scurried around, between me and the garbage
flirting with each other,
darting between houses
to return and flick their tails
just inches from my hand
large eyed pixies
running, chasing, courting
not unlike me and this city
town
not quite a city
between the garbage and the condos
can't say there are many people to know
I'm darting on my bike
on my legs
in my mind
Can't say I know too many people
who know me either